It took me nearly 3 days to recover from my anxiety attack from last week–I was in an anxiety hangover. I felt like I was sitting in a fog of letting go and holding on to all of the emotions that I had felt. It was a weird coming-to-terms feeling–like, i had to accept that what I tried to make a reality, was never a reality. My husband never did anything to hurt me while he was away at his conference. He made the choice to work with me and text/call when he made it back to his room every night and tell me everything, even the unnecessary little details. Nothing bad happened. I had to process that. It took some time.
Last Friday I went to yoga, chatted with friends for a few minutes afterward and giggled and realized that–as much as socializing brings me anxiety, it fuels my happiness. My weekend was full of kids activities and I spent Monday catching up on administrative mom/wife/career duties. Then, last night, I went to yoga and put so much ease in my practice and made it a point to start conversations and put my anxiety-free self forward. Even if all I did was give someone a hug, I took so much much from that connection. I attended a workshop at the studio and made sure to create connection there too. It felt great to give myself space to just be and enjoy the company of others and to give others the space to be open to me. I left glowing and lit up. I called my husband to ask about dinner and we decided sushi, The Walking Dead, and beer were good choices. I stopped by Kroger on my way home and got sushi and smiled the entire trip in and out of the grocery.
Then I got home and the kids hadn’t put away their video games, there was laundry scattered off of the laundry couch (don’t they know laundry stays disorganized only on the laundry couch?!), and it just felt messy in my house. Generally speaking, I would have flipped out on my husband, but I made the choice then and there to simply go upstairs and lovingly tell him that he needs to make sure he has the kids put away their video games if they get them out. It’s not our responsibility to clean up that mess. He agreed and apologized (even though an apology wasn’t necessary) and we moved on. I didn’t point out any other messes or dwell on the messy feeling of our house. It wasn’t worth it. Instead, I asked him if he would get our set-up for dinner ready (grab plates, grab beer, and head to the bedroom) while I showered, because i was beyond gross after two yoga practices. I got out of the shower, we watched a really unsettling episode of The Walking Dead that made me cringe and almost cry, and we cuddled. It was spectacular and free of any expectations.
Here’s my take-away from all of this. I stopped expecting and just let life happen. I dropped anticipation and just went with the flow. I did this while socializing, I did this with my husband, I did this with my kids this morning. I wish it were easy to remember to drop this nonsense, because life would run a lot more smoothly. I felt so much ease from just not expecting perfection from myself, from my husband, from my kids. I felt so much ease in my body when I stopped expecting everyone to be judging every word I said to them and just accepted that I am accepted.
Life is crazy. I have a halloween party to prepare for my daughter’s class, a halloween party to plan for our neighborhood halloween block party, and I have two doctors appointments tomorrow, a house to clean, laundry to do, and it’s my wedding anniversary tomorrow and we have a night out planned. I have all of these plans and I am usually so stuck on making sure they are followed through “right” instead of just letting things happen. Let me tell you all something, dropping control feels absolutely fucking freeing. I am sitting here writing this NOT freaking out about all these plans. Socializing last night and not controlling my conversations and just being me felt amazing. Not giving a shit about pointing out all the things my husband didn’t do last night and just spending time with him felt like love. It felt like LOVE! Shortly after I got home last night, we were putting leftovers from the kid’s pasta dinner away, I said “Our refrigerator is disgusting. I think some of these leftovers are from two weeks ago. Our house is like that too. I think some of the junk piles are from a few weeks ago.” I said it with ease. I wasn’t frantic. My husband calmly said, “it’s okay, we will work on it together tomorrow and Thursday while the kids are at school. I’ll help you.” I said, “I love you.” Who is this person and where has she been the last few months? I love her.
The thing is, I love my anxious self too. Without anxious Britt, the Britt that is surrounding her life with ease and dropping control wouldn’t be here. If it hadn’t been through me sitting thorough my anxiety attack last week and feeling those feelings, I wouldn’t of had my anxiety hangover and I wouldn’t have learned a damn thing. Those feelings are important. Sitting with those thoughts and experiencing those feelings means you can do hard things and are doing hard things. It means that I am strong. It also means, that all of the fears I had, meant nothing. There was NO meaning to those fears. You guys, feel your feelings. Feel them. Take them in, but don’t take them on. When you take those feelings on and make them mean something negative, then you take on that negativity. When i take on that negativity, I drink or I binge and purge. I do this because my feelings become out of my control and I have to find control some how. Stop expecting so much from yourself and know you are strong and capable and that there’s very little in this world that you can control. Let that shit go. I can’t control anything, but I do have choices and I choose to be happy. I choose to feel love and acceptance of myself and of others.
Share some love today, folks. Give someone a hug. Take on all the good feels. You deserve it!